Genesis 3:8,12 The man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden. [Adam] said, “The woman you put here with me–she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Looks like Adam’s version of the story was the one that made it into the Bible—tough break, Eve.  (Interestingly, the Qur’an blames Adam and Eve equally for their mistake and doesn’t say anything about who ate the forbidden fruit first).  According to the Bible, God punishes Adam for breaking his rule by having to work hard to grow his food until he dies. He punishes Eve with painful childbirth and servitude to Adam (not that that’s actually anything new).  Although the story only mentions these punishments as applying to Adam and Eve themselves, it’s often interpreted that these punishments were passed on to their descendants.

Not too fair for the descendants, but let’s look at this passing down the punishments thing long term: Nowadays, working still sucks, but most of us don’t have to work hard in the fields to make a living anymore. In fact, working conditions are pretty cushy: 8 hour days, weekends off,  lunch breaks, sometimes you get discounts, ACs and/or heaters. So, men have it pretty easy comparatively.

For women, their short stick seems to only have gotten shorter. They still have to go through childbirth, and while there are medications and epidurals and whatnot, well… they still have to go through childbirth. Women’s rights have come a long way in many countries, but check out Forbe’s list of top earning CEOs, or a list of presidents, leaders, and dictators. So, Eves, looks like in the grand scope of things, you’re still in the kitchen baking up apple pies for your Adamses. And while we’re on the subject of women’s rights, when they rose a big fuss about their lack of such rights, they eventually got the right to do what? Work! They took on Adam’s punishment as well! Sucks for you, ladies!

Cannan’s Guide to Stalking “Secret Admiring”

-Don’t use a delivery service to bring the object of your affection gifts or messages anonymously- that’s so impersonal! Prove how much you care by taking the time to lurk around the person’s home or workplace, waiting for the right moment to leave the items without being seen.

-In fact, you should probably learn your potential mate’s schedule by following them around town or home from work.  That way, you’ll know the best time to leave gifts without them noticing!

-When it comes to the gifts, don’t leave typical things like flowers- leave something memorable that gets your point across!  Van Gogh should be your role model here.

-Make sure your messages make your love interest want to get to know you better.  For example, you might leave a note stating all the self destructive things you’ll do if they reject you!

If you follow all these suggestions, I guarantee your admiree will really, really want to know who you are.

Genesis 3:7 The eyes of both [Adam and Eve] were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Clothing is very important- it tells you what to expect from someone and what the appropriate way to act around them is.  For example, if you see a cop, you know to hide the drugs.  If you see a clown, you know to stop taking the drugs.  Or maybe start taking them, depending on what kind of drugs they are.  More importantly, however, it is WRONG to be naked. If you are naked, you are doing something against God’s will and deserve to burn. But is wearing clothing enough to ensure our non-nakedness? To make sure we aren’t naked, we must first know what being naked means.

naked
adj.

1. Having no clothing on the body; nude.
Bodies of water, such as the great lakes and the ocean, are doing something wrong (they have no clothing)

2. Having no covering.
Your outer layer of clothes, which itself is not covered, is doing something wrong. The earth’s atmosphere, being surrounded by vacuum, is also “wrong”.

3. Devoid of vegetation, trees, or foliage
Deserts and the surface of all the oceans are evil, because they lack vegetation, trees, or foliage.

4. Being without addition, concealment, disguise, or embellishment.
Mathematicians who prefer to subtract negatives instead of adding are committing a sin, for they are “being without addition”. Also, the only time most children are not sinning is on Halloween, because that is the only time they are in disguise and therefore not “naked”.

5. Devoid of a specified quality, characteristic, or element.
Things that are not bananas are naked of banana-ness. Bananas themselves lack other qualities, such as meatiness. Therefore, everything is naked of something, and so everything is committing the sin of nudity.

6. Exposed to harm; vulnerable.
All things that are not completely invincible are “naked” and therefore deserve God’s wrath. Even Super Mario, who becomes nearly invincible when he ingests a star, is vulnerable to falling into a bottomless pit, and is therefore a hellbound sinner.

7. Botany.
7a. Not encased in ovaries.
If you aren’t encased in somebody’s ovaries, you are a naked sinner.

7b. Unprotected by scales
If you are not a reptile or a fish, you are a naked sinner.

7c. Lacking a perianth
If you lack a certain obscure flower part, you are a naked sinner.

7d.Without leaves or pubescence
If you are a normal human being who does not have leaves growing out of him/her, or if you haven’t gone through puberty yet, you are a naked sinner.

8. Zoology. Lacking outer covering such as scales, fur, feathers, or a shell
Unless you are a hairy bastard, you are naked and deserve to rot in hell.

Based on the list above, a typical non-nude person is wearing clothes, has a tree growing out if his nose, is wearing a fake mustache, is both a banana and is not a banana at the same time, is absolutely indestructible, resides in your mom’s ovaries, has scales, has a perianth where his penis should be, is over 12 years of age, and is a very hairy bastard. Is this you? Congratulations. You are not naked in any sense of the word.

Genesis 3:4-5 The serpent said…  “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

In the Bible, there were two “special” trees—the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and the tree of life.  God didn’t initially forbid Adam from eating the tree of life though—just the tree of knowledge (evidently, it was ok for Adam to live forever as long as he stayed dumb). But according to the Bible, after Adam ate from the tree of knowledge God said, “Oh no, now Adam’s as smart as us, we have to make sure he doesn’t also eat from the tree of life and live forever!” So, why was God so worried about Adam becoming as smart as him and living forever too?  Was he afraid that if humans became like Him, we’d kick his ass?

Of course, as you can see from Holy Bibble, that’s not how things really went down.  There were no magic trees—this is  just another story that nut, Moses, mixed up. Luckily for you, Holy Bibble is here to give you the Truth. Otherwise, you might be thinking that God was some insecure jerk!

Genesis 3:1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made.

“Don’t be a pussy,” the snake says, and it’s all over. No self respecting man would ever let anyone, even a talking reptile, think that he could possibly be a pussy. He’d kill himself before accepting such a label. Kind of like Marty in Back to the Future. Marty is a real man. He’s not about to let anyone call him a chicken, wimp, pansy, pussy; none of that. He’ll bring down all of mankind into the pits of hell to prove he’s a real man. And I don’t blame him. Not for an instant.

Enjoy that apple, Adam. You deserve it.

Genesis 2:16 The Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.”

If Gabriel really wants to deter Adam and Eve’s rule breaking behavior, he needs to be more clear about the likelihood of punishment!  According to Mark Kleiman, a professor of public policy at UCLA, the possibility of even severe punishment is ineffective if offenders think they might get away with their crimes.  However, if criminals think that they are extremely likely to be caught and punished quickly, even mild sanctions will stop them.   So Gabe doesn’t need to use harsh punishments to deter Adam and Eve- he just needs to make sure they get punished immediately and every time they break the rules.
Then again, maybe punishment wouldn’t be such a good deterrent- Adam and Eve are clearly into some kinky stuff!

Satan better watch out- supernatural relationships rarely work.   Imagine coming home and crawling into bed with the same completely perfect entity (who never changes- same hair, same make up, same robe, same thunderbolt stabbing you in the foot at night) not just for the next sixty years or so, but FOREVER! You’d get pretty tired of whatever personification of cosmic principals you were porking, too.  Consider these examples:

Zeus and Hera- The head of the Greek pantheon, Zeus, cheated on his wife Hera pretty much constantly.  But don’t feel too bad for her- she got revenge by killing all of Zeus’s girlfriends (ok, so sometimes she didn’t actually kill them.  She just turned them into hideous monsters and killed their children!)  Not that the rest of the Greek pantheon was much better- goddess of love Aphrodite screwed around on her husband Hephaestus too (hey, she is the goddess of love after all, she can’t help it!).  And perhaps most disturbing of all, god of the underworld Hades kidnapped his wife Persephone and tricked her into having to stay with him forever (to be fair, it’s probably the only way to get a date when you live in the Greek hell [as opposed to The Place to Be, where Satan lives, and where you can get a date by just looking at a chick]).

Osiris and Isis- Egyptian gods Osiris and Isis might have had a happy relationship- before Osiris’s brother Set dismembered him!   I suppose you could say this story has a happy ending, since Isis manages to put her husband back together, but then she’s stuck married to a zombie.  And living in the underworld since he became god of the dead.

Izanagi and Izanami – When the Japanese goddess Izanami died, her husband Izanagi tried to bring her back from the land of the dead.  But when he got there, she had already started to rot. Unlike Isis, Izanagi didn’t have a zombie fetish so he ran away.  Clearly, Izanami couldn’t threaten to kill herself if he left her, so instead she said she would kill 1,000 of the living every day if he would not stay.  But Izanagi said oh yeah, go ahead, I’ll just bring 1,500 people to life every day (probably not much consolation for the thousand people who had to die each day).

Tammuz and Ishtar – The Babylonian goddess of love Ishtar was dead for a while too, but she got better.  When she returned from the underworld, she discovered her husband Tammuz wasn’t mourning her death, so she sent him to hell.  Hell sure seems to show up in a lot of these stories.

Shiva and Kali- Hindu goddess Kali got drunk off the blood of her enemies in the battlefield and accidentally killed her husband Shiva while she danced in a destructive frenzy (don’t drink and dance in a destructive frenzy, kids).

You know, it looks like when supernatural relationships go bad someone usually ends up dead (at least temporarily).  Satan might want to prepare himself. He could end up having more than just his heart broken.

Genesis 2:22 He brought her to the man.

So, what exactly will it mean for Adam and Eve to hook up? Is it closer to masturbation or incest?  In the previous comic, Michael says that Eve is supposed to be a female clone of Adam.  This implies that they are genetically identical except for their sex chromosomes.  So, all their genetic uniqueness comes down to Adam having a Y chromosome that Eve does not, and Eve having a second copy of their X chromosome.

But sexual dimorphisim wouldn’t be the only source of uniqueness between Adam and Eve!  Even though they have almost all the same genes, differing environmental influences throughout their lives would affect which genes are switched on or off- a process  called epigenetic modification.

Still, those differences might not add up to much. Identical twins are alike in important areas like intelligence and personality even thought there are epigenetic differences between them.  Plus, though centuries of comedians would have you think otherwise, the extent of biological differences between men and women in areas not related to reproduction is debatable (not that I want to get into that- some woman will probably get all emotional and nag me about it, amirite?)

In conclusion, I think it’s safe to say there’s some self love going on here.  And speaking of self love, I have to go now (hey, even players need some alone time every once in a while).

Genesis 2:21-22 …and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib.

Why did Michael remove Adam’s entire rib? I’ll tell you why.
According to Dr. Aaron Stone: “Rib removal surgery can enhance your appearance and your self confidence.”
Obviously, Adam’s self confidence was in a poor condition. Mike was just trying to lend a helping hand by performing a rib removal surgery. The whole cloning thing was probably just an after thought. What a swell guy!