Wearing Clothes

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Genesis 3:7 The eyes of both [Adam and Eve] were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Clothing is very important- it tells you what to expect from someone and what the appropriate way to act around them is.  For example, if you see a cop, you know to hide the drugs.  If you see a clown, you know to stop taking the drugs.  Or maybe start taking them, depending on what kind of drugs they are.  More importantly, however, it is WRONG to be naked. If you are naked, you are doing something against God’s will and deserve to burn. But is wearing clothing enough to ensure our non-nakedness? To make sure we aren’t naked, we must first know what being naked means.

naked
adj.

1. Having no clothing on the body; nude.
Bodies of water, such as the great lakes and the ocean, are doing something wrong (they have no clothing)

2. Having no covering.
Your outer layer of clothes, which itself is not covered, is doing something wrong. The earth’s atmosphere, being surrounded by vacuum, is also “wrong”.

3. Devoid of vegetation, trees, or foliage
Deserts and the surface of all the oceans are evil, because they lack vegetation, trees, or foliage.

4. Being without addition, concealment, disguise, or embellishment.
Mathematicians who prefer to subtract negatives instead of adding are committing a sin, for they are “being without addition”. Also, the only time most children are not sinning is on Halloween, because that is the only time they are in disguise and therefore not “naked”.

5. Devoid of a specified quality, characteristic, or element.
Things that are not bananas are naked of banana-ness. Bananas themselves lack other qualities, such as meatiness. Therefore, everything is naked of something, and so everything is committing the sin of nudity.

6. Exposed to harm; vulnerable.
All things that are not completely invincible are “naked” and therefore deserve God’s wrath. Even Super Mario, who becomes nearly invincible when he ingests a star, is vulnerable to falling into a bottomless pit, and is therefore a hellbound sinner.

7. Botany.
7a. Not encased in ovaries.
If you aren’t encased in somebody’s ovaries, you are a naked sinner.

7b. Unprotected by scales
If you are not a reptile or a fish, you are a naked sinner.

7c. Lacking a perianth
If you lack a certain obscure flower part, you are a naked sinner.

7d.Without leaves or pubescence
If you are a normal human being who does not have leaves growing out of him/her, or if you haven’t gone through puberty yet, you are a naked sinner.

8. Zoology. Lacking outer covering such as scales, fur, feathers, or a shell
Unless you are a hairy bastard, you are naked and deserve to rot in hell.

Based on the list above, a typical non-nude person is wearing clothes, has a tree growing out if his nose, is wearing a fake mustache, is both a banana and is not a banana at the same time, is absolutely indestructible, resides in your mom’s ovaries, has scales, has a perianth where his penis should be, is over 12 years of age, and is a very hairy bastard. Is this you? Congratulations. You are not naked in any sense of the word.