Around Her Finger

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Satan better watch out- supernatural relationships rarely work.   Imagine coming home and crawling into bed with the same completely perfect entity (who never changes- same hair, same make up, same robe, same thunderbolt stabbing you in the foot at night) not just for the next sixty years or so, but FOREVER! You’d get pretty tired of whatever personification of cosmic principals you were porking, too.  Consider these examples:

Zeus and Hera- The head of the Greek pantheon, Zeus, cheated on his wife Hera pretty much constantly.  But don’t feel too bad for her- she got revenge by killing all of Zeus’s girlfriends (ok, so sometimes she didn’t actually kill them.  She just turned them into hideous monsters and killed their children!)  Not that the rest of the Greek pantheon was much better- goddess of love Aphrodite screwed around on her husband Hephaestus too (hey, she is the goddess of love after all, she can’t help it!).  And perhaps most disturbing of all, god of the underworld Hades kidnapped his wife Persephone and tricked her into having to stay with him forever (to be fair, it’s probably the only way to get a date when you live in the Greek hell [as opposed to The Place to Be, where Satan lives, and where you can get a date by just looking at a chick]).

Osiris and Isis- Egyptian gods Osiris and Isis might have had a happy relationship- before Osiris’s brother Set dismembered him!   I suppose you could say this story has a happy ending, since Isis manages to put her husband back together, but then she’s stuck married to a zombie.  And living in the underworld since he became god of the dead.

Izanagi and Izanami – When the Japanese goddess Izanami died, her husband Izanagi tried to bring her back from the land of the dead.  But when he got there, she had already started to rot. Unlike Isis, Izanagi didn’t have a zombie fetish so he ran away.  Clearly, Izanami couldn’t threaten to kill herself if he left her, so instead she said she would kill 1,000 of the living every day if he would not stay.  But Izanagi said oh yeah, go ahead, I’ll just bring 1,500 people to life every day (probably not much consolation for the thousand people who had to die each day).

Tammuz and Ishtar – The Babylonian goddess of love Ishtar was dead for a while too, but she got better.  When she returned from the underworld, she discovered her husband Tammuz wasn’t mourning her death, so she sent him to hell.  Hell sure seems to show up in a lot of these stories.

Shiva and Kali- Hindu goddess Kali got drunk off the blood of her enemies in the battlefield and accidentally killed her husband Shiva while she danced in a destructive frenzy (don’t drink and dance in a destructive frenzy, kids).

You know, it looks like when supernatural relationships go bad someone usually ends up dead (at least temporarily).  Satan might want to prepare himself. He could end up having more than just his heart broken.